Saturday, December 29, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Kiss You Goodbye (English Translation)
Wang Lee Hom
Baby please don’t cry
This scene is all too familiar
Holding your hand tightly, neither of us wanting to let go
Thoughts flood my mind, but I’m afraid to break the silence
Give me just one more moment
To capture your face in my mind’s eye
Joy mingle with heartache
A deluge of contradictory emotions
Tears of despair cannot defy the significance of true love
The love that I have poured out, I cannot take back
The love that remains, I can no longer give
Don’t take my heart away, to follow you
*Every time we part
I’m deeply crushed by you
Every time I’m torn from your embrace
I’m overwhelmed with pain
Every time we part
Every time I kiss you goodbye
I have come to recognize the bittersweet taste of love
Joy mingle with heartache
A deluge of contradictory emotions
Tears of despair cannot defy the significance of true love
The love that I have poured out, I cannot take back
The love that remains, I can no longer give
I have come to understand what it really takes to love
one of those days
[extract from journal entry dated Monday, 5 November 2007, 9:24pm]
It is one of those days that you feel like crying, but don’t know what the tears are for. One of those days that you feel blue, but can’t put a finger to why you’re feeling so. One of those days where you feel like the torrent of contradictory emotions are about to burst the dam and you want to vent, but you don’t have the words. One of those days where I’ll force myself to write anyway because I need the therapy. Today is one of those days.
That Wave – it threatens to crash over me again. And I force it down. Again and again I force it down, and I breathe, telling myself that it’ll get better. I will myself away from those thoughts and memories that I know would only bring back the emotions. I numb myself, feigning indifference. By acting the part, I think I will be the part. Sometimes I wonder, by deliberately anaesthetizing myself this way, would it leave a permanent effect. Would I be able to fall in love with abandon like I had with X? Or would it be a calculated move the next time around. Mechanical and rational.
I have half a mind to tell him not to come and visit me this December. I really don’t know how I would handle it. I’m afraid the defences that I’ve built around my heart after the break-up would just crumble when I see him. And I don’t think I can afford to allow that to happen. Those defences have to be up, if just for keeping my sanity intact. I’m not trying to be drama-queenish. It was painful. Excruciatingly so.
Of course, this isn’t the only reason I’m feeling upset today. At this point in time, this factor in itself has lost the power to make me feel this way. It was a shitty day at work today. In fact, I have had a lot of shitty days for the past couple of weeks. I had lost it and fused my temper. And each time I felt embarrassed and chagrined at myself for losing my cool. But when you’re surrounded by idiots, it’s hard not to scream. I’m not implying that I’m a genius. Just that it’s really frustrating when there are shit heads who don’t know shit but think they know it all and try to order me about when I’m not even in the line to take orders from them, and I can’t say it in their faces the fact that they don’t know shit just because they are ‘up there’…more like up their arses. And the fact that they were rude and nauseatingly chauvinistic even when they needed a favour from me makes me livid.
I feel better now after having a good cry. Problems ain’t solved this way, but at least now I feel happier and stronger to go about solving the problem.
Tomorrow is another day. And it’s gonna get better…
It is one of those days that you feel like crying, but don’t know what the tears are for. One of those days that you feel blue, but can’t put a finger to why you’re feeling so. One of those days where you feel like the torrent of contradictory emotions are about to burst the dam and you want to vent, but you don’t have the words. One of those days where I’ll force myself to write anyway because I need the therapy. Today is one of those days.
That Wave – it threatens to crash over me again. And I force it down. Again and again I force it down, and I breathe, telling myself that it’ll get better. I will myself away from those thoughts and memories that I know would only bring back the emotions. I numb myself, feigning indifference. By acting the part, I think I will be the part. Sometimes I wonder, by deliberately anaesthetizing myself this way, would it leave a permanent effect. Would I be able to fall in love with abandon like I had with X? Or would it be a calculated move the next time around. Mechanical and rational.
I have half a mind to tell him not to come and visit me this December. I really don’t know how I would handle it. I’m afraid the defences that I’ve built around my heart after the break-up would just crumble when I see him. And I don’t think I can afford to allow that to happen. Those defences have to be up, if just for keeping my sanity intact. I’m not trying to be drama-queenish. It was painful. Excruciatingly so.
Of course, this isn’t the only reason I’m feeling upset today. At this point in time, this factor in itself has lost the power to make me feel this way. It was a shitty day at work today. In fact, I have had a lot of shitty days for the past couple of weeks. I had lost it and fused my temper. And each time I felt embarrassed and chagrined at myself for losing my cool. But when you’re surrounded by idiots, it’s hard not to scream. I’m not implying that I’m a genius. Just that it’s really frustrating when there are shit heads who don’t know shit but think they know it all and try to order me about when I’m not even in the line to take orders from them, and I can’t say it in their faces the fact that they don’t know shit just because they are ‘up there’…more like up their arses. And the fact that they were rude and nauseatingly chauvinistic even when they needed a favour from me makes me livid.
I feel better now after having a good cry. Problems ain’t solved this way, but at least now I feel happier and stronger to go about solving the problem.
Tomorrow is another day. And it’s gonna get better…
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
get the eff outta my face!
I was debating whether or not to blog today. many times there's this torrent of emotions/thoughts/feelings rushing through my whole being but i'd rather snuff out the urge to write coz i'm afraid that i might sound incoherent (ok laa...half the time it's becoz i'm too lazy/tired after coming back from work). And i'm not exactly a 'public' person, as in, i'm not really comfortable with telling all n sundry everything about myself, all the time. that's why i have a dozen of journal entries that i don't publish in my blog. But, twisted as this might sound, there's a certain kind of satisfaction knowing that there are ppl out there that are reading your penned thoughts, and possibly empathising with you...
Among the torrent...
that bitch! i can't believe her audacity! i am, after all, a customer, even though it was just a simple coffee shop. Was having lunch with colleagues, and the owner of the coffee shop was bantering with them (my colleagues are obviously regulars). Out of the blue, she paused, looked and me and said, "she's got a pretty face...but what a shame she's got bad skin". I lost my appetite. my immediate reaction was 'what the fuck' (not aloud, coz there were some mommies there who i think would swoon at that). hey, I KNOW, okay. it's enuf that i stare in the mirror everyday and curse that i still have to deal with this 'adolescent problem' when i'm way past adolescence. i don't need u, a total stranger, saying this in front of an audience. i'm painfully aware already. It's not like i wallow in self-pity and insecurity and ppl need to feel like they have to tiptoe around me on skin issues. no. I'm pretty much comfortable in my own skin, bad as it is. Yes, it IS infuriating, exasperating, sickening, and whatever -ing u can think of, to try all sorts of stuff/methods to try to make it better, only to find that none of them really works. Or that they demand a fortune first before starting to show effects. hey i ain't got the money to buy SKII or wateva gimmicks that they have packed in pretty glass bottles out there on the counters. So get outta my face!
And stop asking if i have a boyfriend already. Okay, you can ask. But DON'T give me THAT look. If you got prospects, give me the prospectus. otherwise don't waste time analysing me. Am i an anomaly to be still unattached at this age? I don't think so. Ssin said, "try juggling the 4 B's: Boss, Business, Boyfriend, Besties". Isn't it easier to juggle just 3 B's for the moment? If it comes, it comes. I'm not avoiding it, neither am i looking very hard for it. Not that i have the time to go specifically looking for one anyway. And mom, just because i wanted a puppy doesn't mean that i'm on my way to becoming a spinster okkaaayyy...! No mom, i'm not gonna be one of those little old ladies who go 'come here boy, come to mommy' to their pooches. Yes mom, i AM gonna get happily married one day and hopefully keep you busy with a couple of cute grandchildren. But till HE finds me, i'm contented to enjoy my freedom, thank you very much.
I wanna go to Mardi Gras this Friday night!!! *wails* But i gotta work *WAILSSS* Some silly karaoke cum appreciation dinner watchamalit. Ok, so it's a corporate event. But it's MY friday night!! I have to deal with customers all week. Customers who are puffed-up and go 'oh-i-am-so-clever-and-important'. All i have to call my own are my weekends. Can't you all just let me be? *groans* And no, don't you label me an 'usherette'. Is there even such a word...*roll eyes*. Brings to mind a silly doll-like creature in a pink tutu. And NO, don't you DARE make me wear a costume!! I WILL stamp my feet and scream till YOUR face turn blue. For gawd's sake...we are bankers here, not some......ugh!
Am i overreacting? maybe.
This is MY punching bag...
Among the torrent...
that bitch! i can't believe her audacity! i am, after all, a customer, even though it was just a simple coffee shop. Was having lunch with colleagues, and the owner of the coffee shop was bantering with them (my colleagues are obviously regulars). Out of the blue, she paused, looked and me and said, "she's got a pretty face...but what a shame she's got bad skin". I lost my appetite. my immediate reaction was 'what the fuck' (not aloud, coz there were some mommies there who i think would swoon at that). hey, I KNOW, okay. it's enuf that i stare in the mirror everyday and curse that i still have to deal with this 'adolescent problem' when i'm way past adolescence. i don't need u, a total stranger, saying this in front of an audience. i'm painfully aware already. It's not like i wallow in self-pity and insecurity and ppl need to feel like they have to tiptoe around me on skin issues. no. I'm pretty much comfortable in my own skin, bad as it is. Yes, it IS infuriating, exasperating, sickening, and whatever -ing u can think of, to try all sorts of stuff/methods to try to make it better, only to find that none of them really works. Or that they demand a fortune first before starting to show effects. hey i ain't got the money to buy SKII or wateva gimmicks that they have packed in pretty glass bottles out there on the counters. So get outta my face!
And stop asking if i have a boyfriend already. Okay, you can ask. But DON'T give me THAT look. If you got prospects, give me the prospectus. otherwise don't waste time analysing me. Am i an anomaly to be still unattached at this age? I don't think so. Ssin said, "try juggling the 4 B's: Boss, Business, Boyfriend, Besties". Isn't it easier to juggle just 3 B's for the moment? If it comes, it comes. I'm not avoiding it, neither am i looking very hard for it. Not that i have the time to go specifically looking for one anyway. And mom, just because i wanted a puppy doesn't mean that i'm on my way to becoming a spinster okkaaayyy...! No mom, i'm not gonna be one of those little old ladies who go 'come here boy, come to mommy' to their pooches. Yes mom, i AM gonna get happily married one day and hopefully keep you busy with a couple of cute grandchildren. But till HE finds me, i'm contented to enjoy my freedom, thank you very much.
I wanna go to Mardi Gras this Friday night!!! *wails* But i gotta work *WAILSSS* Some silly karaoke cum appreciation dinner watchamalit. Ok, so it's a corporate event. But it's MY friday night!! I have to deal with customers all week. Customers who are puffed-up and go 'oh-i-am-so-clever-and-important'. All i have to call my own are my weekends. Can't you all just let me be? *groans* And no, don't you label me an 'usherette'. Is there even such a word...*roll eyes*. Brings to mind a silly doll-like creature in a pink tutu. And NO, don't you DARE make me wear a costume!! I WILL stamp my feet and scream till YOUR face turn blue. For gawd's sake...we are bankers here, not some......ugh!
Am i overreacting? maybe.
This is MY punching bag...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Age(-ing...?)
[Excerpt from journal entry dated Monday, 22 October 2007, 10.12pm]
Today is Rahmat’s birthday. He is 27 years old. Colleagues were milling around him heaping birthday wishes. Out of the hubbub I overheard a colleague exclaim, “You’re so young!” when he learnt of Rahmat’s age. 27 is 5 years away from me, and a scary thought. But my colleague’s astonishment was quite justified, given that the average age in the dealing room is around 36.
An email popped into my inbox just as I was about to close my Outlook. It was a ‘spam’ email from Ssin, addressed to the whole Spam Gang. [Started when about 10 of us were planning a trip to PD, and communication was solely via email. So one person writes an email and shoots it off to 9 others, and when we started to banter back and forth the barrage of emails that clog up our inbox resembled spam]. No trip-planning this time, just a random email from Yiling (who started this round) who was suffering from chronic Monday blues and wanted to share some random thoughts. Ssin thinks that time is running out, and Yiling and Vanitha echo the same sentiment. So much to do, so little time. So many ambitions, too much procrastination. And these people are at least a year younger than I am. And when people younger than you are starting to have these thoughts…you finally start to feel the pins and needles in your butt as a result of sitting around for too long.
I don’t think 27 is young. Okay, 27 is not old. But 27 is when you start assessing your goals (RM30k per month from passive income by 30? And I haven’t even acquired my first piece of property), benchmarking your performance thus far (okay my peers are already managers, and I’m still a senior exec…crap!), evaluating your ‘status’ (aunts who poke you in the ribs during your cousin’s wedding, going ‘ah-gerr, when is your turn ah?’…when there isn’t even a decent dude in the radar). Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a tad here. But seriously, 27 is getting uncomfortably close to the 30 threshold…no?
I wonder what went through the mind of my colleague when he made that remark. Was it tinged with regret? Did he wish he had done more? Did he wish he could go back in time? But of course, that’s just plain crap. We do not waste time sitting on our arses when we’re 23 wishing we were 16 again, nor do we at 27 wish we were 23, neither do we wistfully gaze at 27 when we are 39. Or do we…?
The other day my dad was chatting with a long-time-no-see relative, when I overheard him say, ‘Me? I’m 57 already!’ It pierced through my consciousness. For some reason, my subconscious stopped tracking daddy’s age after he hit 53, and mommy’s at 50. And for four years I had always thought that dad’s 50-something. And mom had been 50 on the dot for the last four years.
57. 36 months to the 60 threshold. What have I done for my father thus far? Do I make him proud?
I’m beginning to feel a sense of urgency……
Today is Rahmat’s birthday. He is 27 years old. Colleagues were milling around him heaping birthday wishes. Out of the hubbub I overheard a colleague exclaim, “You’re so young!” when he learnt of Rahmat’s age. 27 is 5 years away from me, and a scary thought. But my colleague’s astonishment was quite justified, given that the average age in the dealing room is around 36.
An email popped into my inbox just as I was about to close my Outlook. It was a ‘spam’ email from Ssin, addressed to the whole Spam Gang. [Started when about 10 of us were planning a trip to PD, and communication was solely via email. So one person writes an email and shoots it off to 9 others, and when we started to banter back and forth the barrage of emails that clog up our inbox resembled spam]. No trip-planning this time, just a random email from Yiling (who started this round) who was suffering from chronic Monday blues and wanted to share some random thoughts. Ssin thinks that time is running out, and Yiling and Vanitha echo the same sentiment. So much to do, so little time. So many ambitions, too much procrastination. And these people are at least a year younger than I am. And when people younger than you are starting to have these thoughts…you finally start to feel the pins and needles in your butt as a result of sitting around for too long.
I don’t think 27 is young. Okay, 27 is not old. But 27 is when you start assessing your goals (RM30k per month from passive income by 30? And I haven’t even acquired my first piece of property), benchmarking your performance thus far (okay my peers are already managers, and I’m still a senior exec…crap!), evaluating your ‘status’ (aunts who poke you in the ribs during your cousin’s wedding, going ‘ah-gerr, when is your turn ah?’…when there isn’t even a decent dude in the radar). Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a tad here. But seriously, 27 is getting uncomfortably close to the 30 threshold…no?
I wonder what went through the mind of my colleague when he made that remark. Was it tinged with regret? Did he wish he had done more? Did he wish he could go back in time? But of course, that’s just plain crap. We do not waste time sitting on our arses when we’re 23 wishing we were 16 again, nor do we at 27 wish we were 23, neither do we wistfully gaze at 27 when we are 39. Or do we…?
The other day my dad was chatting with a long-time-no-see relative, when I overheard him say, ‘Me? I’m 57 already!’ It pierced through my consciousness. For some reason, my subconscious stopped tracking daddy’s age after he hit 53, and mommy’s at 50. And for four years I had always thought that dad’s 50-something. And mom had been 50 on the dot for the last four years.
57. 36 months to the 60 threshold. What have I done for my father thus far? Do I make him proud?
I’m beginning to feel a sense of urgency……
Sunday, October 21, 2007
meaning
i've just come back from a relative's wake. One of my distant cousin/aunt's (to this day i still can't sort out how she and I are related - it's quite complicated) mother passed away, whom i have not met ever, but because i'm close to this cousin/aunt so out of respect i went.
This remarkable lady (i had this impression of her based on the slideshow that was displayed at the memorial centre of her photos, which depicted a person with a vibrant smile full of life surrounded by a loving husband and many other ppl who loved her) had died of a brain haemorrhage, possibly (in part) due to exhaustion from weeks of mahjong marathon. [Disclaimer: if anyone close to the deceased is reading this, please do not take offense...i'm blogging this because it led me to do a mini double-take on 'LIFE']. Which reminded me of a strange conversation i had with my sister sometime ago...
E: have u ever thought of how you want to die?
me: aren't u a bit too young to be thinking of such things? (E's only 12)
E: well yeah...but i think i'd rather die young...i don't want to look all old and aged and wrinkly, and possibly die of a long-suffering illness...
(silence...me looking at her incredulously...is this what normally runs through a 12-year-old's mind??)
E: do you think there are theme parks in Heaven? it'll be so boring otherwise...
me: ......
'Well, at least she died happy', said my cousin/aunt. Agreed, way better than battling a long-suffering disease and longing for relief through death.
I sat outside at one of the tables picking at some refreshments while waiting for my aunt/cousin to finish some prayer rituals. And i had a conversation with myself...(sounds neurotic?)
Ok, here i am at 23. Graduated. In a job which many ppl would say 'promising'.
what next?
find a 'nice guy', get married, have kids, go thru hell trying to raise them...(i had been a pretty difficult adolescent and relations with my mom then were...tumultuous, to say the least. well she was a very very difficult mom too. difficult to please. and i'm quite terrified that karma would slap me on the back (not that i'm keen on having any kids at this moment)..oh god forbid!)
and then work hard get the money, paybillscarloanmortgagecreditcarddebtsendkidstoUni...retire...plod on for a couple more years...then...die..?
Is that all there is to life?
Surely not! i shudder...surely there must be something more substantial than slogging at work and paying bills.
i'm gonna go find out....................
This remarkable lady (i had this impression of her based on the slideshow that was displayed at the memorial centre of her photos, which depicted a person with a vibrant smile full of life surrounded by a loving husband and many other ppl who loved her) had died of a brain haemorrhage, possibly (in part) due to exhaustion from weeks of mahjong marathon. [Disclaimer: if anyone close to the deceased is reading this, please do not take offense...i'm blogging this because it led me to do a mini double-take on 'LIFE']. Which reminded me of a strange conversation i had with my sister sometime ago...
E: have u ever thought of how you want to die?
me: aren't u a bit too young to be thinking of such things? (E's only 12)
E: well yeah...but i think i'd rather die young...i don't want to look all old and aged and wrinkly, and possibly die of a long-suffering illness...
(silence...me looking at her incredulously...is this what normally runs through a 12-year-old's mind??)
E: do you think there are theme parks in Heaven? it'll be so boring otherwise...
me: ......
'Well, at least she died happy', said my cousin/aunt. Agreed, way better than battling a long-suffering disease and longing for relief through death.
I sat outside at one of the tables picking at some refreshments while waiting for my aunt/cousin to finish some prayer rituals. And i had a conversation with myself...(sounds neurotic?
Ok, here i am at 23. Graduated. In a job which many ppl would say 'promising'.
what next?
find a 'nice guy', get married, have kids, go thru hell trying to raise them...(i had been a pretty difficult adolescent and relations with my mom then were...tumultuous, to say the least. well she was a very very difficult mom too. difficult to please. and i'm quite terrified that karma would slap me on the back (not that i'm keen on having any kids at this moment)..oh god forbid!)
and then work hard get the money, paybillscarloanmortgagecreditcarddebtsendkidstoUni...retire...plod on for a couple more years...then...die..?
Is that all there is to life?
Surely not! i shudder...surely there must be something more substantial than slogging at work and paying bills.
i'm gonna go find out....................
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
hello, cyber-world
ok, my sister has finally talked me into getting a blogspot. am pretty new at this and don't really know what to do so yeah..hello there.
well nway i gotta crash soon...next post would (hopefully) be of more substance...zzz
well nway i gotta crash soon...next post would (hopefully) be of more substance...zzz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
