meaning

i've just come back from a relative's wake. One of my distant cousin/aunt's (to this day i still can't sort out how she and I are related - it's quite complicated) mother passed away, whom i have not met ever, but because i'm close to this cousin/aunt so out of respect i went.

This remarkable lady (i had this impression of her based on the slideshow that was displayed at the memorial centre of her photos, which depicted a person with a vibrant smile full of life surrounded by a loving husband and many other ppl who loved her) had died of a brain haemorrhage, possibly (in part) due to exhaustion from weeks of mahjong marathon. [Disclaimer: if anyone close to the deceased is reading this, please do not take offense...i'm blogging this because it led me to do a mini double-take on 'LIFE']. Which reminded me of a strange conversation i had with my sister sometime ago...

E: have u ever thought of how you want to die?

me: aren't u a bit too young to be thinking of such things? (E's only 12)

E: well yeah...but i think i'd rather die young...i don't want to look all old and aged and wrinkly, and possibly die of a long-suffering illness...

(silence...me looking at her incredulously...is this what normally runs through a 12-year-old's mind??)

E: do you think there are theme parks in Heaven? it'll be so boring otherwise...

me: ......


'Well, at least she died happy', said my cousin/aunt. Agreed, way better than battling a long-suffering disease and longing for relief through death.

I sat outside at one of the tables picking at some refreshments while waiting for my aunt/cousin to finish some prayer rituals. And i had a conversation with myself...(sounds neurotic? )

Ok, here i am at 23. Graduated. In a job which many ppl would say 'promising'.
what next?
find a 'nice guy', get married, have kids, go thru hell trying to raise them...(i had been a pretty difficult adolescent and relations with my mom then were...tumultuous, to say the least. well she was a very very difficult mom too. difficult to please. and i'm quite terrified that karma would slap me on the back (not that i'm keen on having any kids at this moment)..oh god forbid!)
and then work hard get the money, paybillscarloanmortgagecreditcarddebtsendkidstoUni...retire...plod on for a couple more years...then...die..?
Is that all there is to life?

Surely not! i shudder...surely there must be something more substantial than slogging at work and paying bills.

i'm gonna go find out....................