Saturday, December 29, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Kiss You Goodbye (English Translation)
Wang Lee Hom
Baby please don’t cry
This scene is all too familiar
Holding your hand tightly, neither of us wanting to let go
Thoughts flood my mind, but I’m afraid to break the silence
Give me just one more moment
To capture your face in my mind’s eye
Joy mingle with heartache
A deluge of contradictory emotions
Tears of despair cannot defy the significance of true love
The love that I have poured out, I cannot take back
The love that remains, I can no longer give
Don’t take my heart away, to follow you
*Every time we part
I’m deeply crushed by you
Every time I’m torn from your embrace
I’m overwhelmed with pain
Every time we part
Every time I kiss you goodbye
I have come to recognize the bittersweet taste of love
Joy mingle with heartache
A deluge of contradictory emotions
Tears of despair cannot defy the significance of true love
The love that I have poured out, I cannot take back
The love that remains, I can no longer give
I have come to understand what it really takes to love
one of those days
[extract from journal entry dated Monday, 5 November 2007, 9:24pm]
It is one of those days that you feel like crying, but don’t know what the tears are for. One of those days that you feel blue, but can’t put a finger to why you’re feeling so. One of those days where you feel like the torrent of contradictory emotions are about to burst the dam and you want to vent, but you don’t have the words. One of those days where I’ll force myself to write anyway because I need the therapy. Today is one of those days.
That Wave – it threatens to crash over me again. And I force it down. Again and again I force it down, and I breathe, telling myself that it’ll get better. I will myself away from those thoughts and memories that I know would only bring back the emotions. I numb myself, feigning indifference. By acting the part, I think I will be the part. Sometimes I wonder, by deliberately anaesthetizing myself this way, would it leave a permanent effect. Would I be able to fall in love with abandon like I had with X? Or would it be a calculated move the next time around. Mechanical and rational.
I have half a mind to tell him not to come and visit me this December. I really don’t know how I would handle it. I’m afraid the defences that I’ve built around my heart after the break-up would just crumble when I see him. And I don’t think I can afford to allow that to happen. Those defences have to be up, if just for keeping my sanity intact. I’m not trying to be drama-queenish. It was painful. Excruciatingly so.
Of course, this isn’t the only reason I’m feeling upset today. At this point in time, this factor in itself has lost the power to make me feel this way. It was a shitty day at work today. In fact, I have had a lot of shitty days for the past couple of weeks. I had lost it and fused my temper. And each time I felt embarrassed and chagrined at myself for losing my cool. But when you’re surrounded by idiots, it’s hard not to scream. I’m not implying that I’m a genius. Just that it’s really frustrating when there are shit heads who don’t know shit but think they know it all and try to order me about when I’m not even in the line to take orders from them, and I can’t say it in their faces the fact that they don’t know shit just because they are ‘up there’…more like up their arses. And the fact that they were rude and nauseatingly chauvinistic even when they needed a favour from me makes me livid.
I feel better now after having a good cry. Problems ain’t solved this way, but at least now I feel happier and stronger to go about solving the problem.
Tomorrow is another day. And it’s gonna get better…
It is one of those days that you feel like crying, but don’t know what the tears are for. One of those days that you feel blue, but can’t put a finger to why you’re feeling so. One of those days where you feel like the torrent of contradictory emotions are about to burst the dam and you want to vent, but you don’t have the words. One of those days where I’ll force myself to write anyway because I need the therapy. Today is one of those days.
That Wave – it threatens to crash over me again. And I force it down. Again and again I force it down, and I breathe, telling myself that it’ll get better. I will myself away from those thoughts and memories that I know would only bring back the emotions. I numb myself, feigning indifference. By acting the part, I think I will be the part. Sometimes I wonder, by deliberately anaesthetizing myself this way, would it leave a permanent effect. Would I be able to fall in love with abandon like I had with X? Or would it be a calculated move the next time around. Mechanical and rational.
I have half a mind to tell him not to come and visit me this December. I really don’t know how I would handle it. I’m afraid the defences that I’ve built around my heart after the break-up would just crumble when I see him. And I don’t think I can afford to allow that to happen. Those defences have to be up, if just for keeping my sanity intact. I’m not trying to be drama-queenish. It was painful. Excruciatingly so.
Of course, this isn’t the only reason I’m feeling upset today. At this point in time, this factor in itself has lost the power to make me feel this way. It was a shitty day at work today. In fact, I have had a lot of shitty days for the past couple of weeks. I had lost it and fused my temper. And each time I felt embarrassed and chagrined at myself for losing my cool. But when you’re surrounded by idiots, it’s hard not to scream. I’m not implying that I’m a genius. Just that it’s really frustrating when there are shit heads who don’t know shit but think they know it all and try to order me about when I’m not even in the line to take orders from them, and I can’t say it in their faces the fact that they don’t know shit just because they are ‘up there’…more like up their arses. And the fact that they were rude and nauseatingly chauvinistic even when they needed a favour from me makes me livid.
I feel better now after having a good cry. Problems ain’t solved this way, but at least now I feel happier and stronger to go about solving the problem.
Tomorrow is another day. And it’s gonna get better…
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